No Sleep

    Hardly slept last night. Sleep can be elusive for a middle-aged woman. Not to mention an anxious middle-aged woman.  

    Got some freelance work over the past few days, which was great (and lucky), but it's ending today. Not sure there's any more where that came from. Not sure what's next. Economy terrible here too. Competing with people who've lived here their whole lives -- and know everyone -- in a rapidly shrinking medium. 

    Don't know if I can settle here. I might be too old to settle without my furniture and my stuff, most of which doesn't fit here. I might be too old now to live in a rented flat with no outside space after having my own house. 

    Could settle in Italy, I guess. At least get my furniture out of storage and bring it down there. Can you really live in two separate countries and stay married?  

    Might just be too emotional to live in a different country from my children. I feel like I'm already starting to lose the close connection I had worked so hard to build up with them, especially with my younger son, who I haven't talked to nearly as much as I would have had I still been in the States. Nobody's fault. The time difference. His work schedule. His Internet hasn't been working. The reality of living this far away.

     Tired of apologizing for everything that I am.

     Don't know what I'm homesick for. Not the city where I was so much. I felt like a fish out of water there sometimes too -- the bane of the first-generation immigrant.

     What I'm longing for is a feeling of comfort, of knowing where I am, what I'm doing, why and what for. Don't know if I can find the answer here.     

      Maybe shouldn't have gone to Italy for a month. Set me back. I've come back disoriented. Hadn't been here long enough for it to feel even vaguely familiar.  

      Bad times aren't good for couples, we all know that. Couples break up when things get tough. This could end badly. 

       Everything scary. Can't think about it anymore now though (thought about it all night anyway, without getting anywhere).   

      Have to get ready for my last day at work. It's sunny right now. But what will it be like when the day is over?

      Gotta layer. Have got layers. Just don't know where they are.