Why?

     Where the hell should I go to make myself feel whole again? Is there anywhere? Or is that a feeling that has to come from inside?  

     Nobody else seems to be grappling with all this. From the outside, it looks like they're all just living their lives. Going to work, seeing their friends, tending to their houses, taking care of their kids -- whether they're here, in the States, or in Italy. Everyone seems so settled. Day after day. Week after week. Life. Without thinking about it.

     Me, I feel like I'm on a flying carpet that doesn't ever land.

     Why did we uproot our whole life? At our age? For what? What did we gain by this tremendous upheaval? Can't think of much at this moment.  

     I know what we lost, what I lost anyway. My house, my job, my kids, my dog, my friends, my car -- pretty much everything.   

     To move to a more expensive country with higher taxes where it rains a lot more, although okay, it hasn't rained that much lately. To start over. Why?

     We said we wanted another adventure -- before it was too late. This doesn't feel like an adventure. Is that my fault? Am I too old for an adventure like this? We've moved around a lot, my husband and I. We lived in Asia, in Europe, and in the States. Moving was never this hard. We brought our kids. I had a job. We never downsized like this (we never downsized at all) -- everything in storage with no idea where it will ultimately go. I wasn't in my mid-50s. The world economy wasn't shit. The newspaper industry wasn't dying a sudden death.  

     Is it time to just admit we've made a mistake -- people do after all -- and just high-tail it back to the States? But to where? And how? And so then, is it time to just sell our house in Italy -- and give up on that dream too? 

     And does my husband even agree? (He's at work now. I heard him tell someone he's working with today on the phone last night: "We'll have fun." So I guess he's having fun at work. I hope so, for him.)

     I found out last night that he's told his job we're going to stay for quite awhile, even though I had extracted a promise from him that if I didn't like it, we could leave when our lease is up next spring. No wonder he doesn't want to talk about what we'll do if it doesn't work out.

     We certainly can't afford to give up the one job we've got between us at this point. We've still got one year of out-of-state college tuition to pay. And our older son, who just graduated, is going to need help getting launched too. 

     So I guess that's that.  So stop thinking about it.     

     Today is a typical London day: overcast and drizzly. My work euphoria is fading (how long can you live off five days work, seriously?). Our bank account is shrinking.  

      Made an arrangement to meet my one old London friend today to go to a gallery, thank god.

      Otherwise, I'd be trying to think of what to do with myself. 

      So got a day off from that. But hell, there's always tomorrow.